The Wonderful Alternate Universe!
by Gamerwhogames
Summary: Preschool!AU Jesse and his friends embark on one meaningless adventure after the other in the really-painful world of preschool! Learn valuable lessons such as why swords aren't for children, the joy of sharing germs, cooties, grabbing each other by the head and swinging round and, well... just read the fanfiction. Leave reviews, too. These bratty kids aren't gonna rate themselves!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

 **Yay! A new story... while I wait to update TCoaL and a number of other things, anyways. Who knows, though? It might become a running thing... I give you 'The Wonderful Alternate Universe!' Enjoy the satiric, somewhat harsh humor!**

 **The classroom was bright with activity as numerous 2- to 6-year-olds bustled about the School of Order and Strictness and Teachers who will Crush Your Dreams. (clears throat)**

* * *

"Class, we will begin by reciting the pledge to the United Chunks of Conformity." The teacher drones before standing up, summoning her students to do likewise.

 _We pledge allegiance to the lead of the United Chunks of Conformity_

 _And to the machine for which it stands_

 _A giant mass, under Notch, lacking individuality_

 _With greyness and bleakness for all_

Ocelott was the only person who laughed after the pledge was spoken. Yeah, Ocelott was there. And everyone from the MCSM fandom. Y'know, everyone except for the Order since they're much older than the New Order and the Ocelots-turned-Blaze-Rods. The teacher sat down, her chair creaking under her weight as she began another one of her boring lectures.

"Now, class, turn to page 19 of your textbooks." The students turned to said page before the teacher groaned out loud. "Y'all are the dumbest kids in the world! It's the first day of school and you think we're STARTING on page 19?! I _would_ congratulate you for your blind obedience and uniformality, but since I am older than you I am automatically a tricky person, hard to please, and sadistic. YALL'R ALL GONNA FAIL!" She screamed at the top of her lungs before sending them each to their classes. About time. I really wanted some character dialogue around this point.

"Sheesh, the teacher's such a meanie, isn't she?" Young Olivia asks her two friends Jesse and Axel. Axel nodded before he bumped into Aiden.

"Ow!" Aiden yelped as he toppled over. He sat up and glared at Axel right before Maya and Gill walked up to them.

"Aiden! What happened?" Maya asked as she helped Aiden to his feet.

"That stupid green boy knocked me over!" Aiden pouted immaturely. Maya turned to face Axel before randomly targeting Olivia instead. Big mistake.

"Why you little... you keep away from us, creeps!" She shouted at Olivia before shooting her a mean and legally-profane hand-gesture. Olivia gasped in shock.

"That's not nice!" She shouted before clenching her fingers into fists.

"What're you gonna do about it?"

"I'm gonna throw a desk at your face, you fat hippo!" Olivia screamed. Frankly, never let it be said that Olivia's not a woman of her word. The short little girl of five rushed to another classroom and returned with a desk. She smashed Maya in the face with it, promptly turning away while dusting her hands. Maya threw the desk off of herself before growling at Olivia from behind like an angry werewolf.

"I'm gonna rip out your hair, you crazy chocolate bar!" Maya screeched before jumping onto Olivia and ripping at her pigtails. Olivia shrieked in pain as Maya continued to pull at the girl's hair. Olivia pulled out a spoon and jabbed Maya in the gut. Maya rolled off of Olivia, screaming in pain at the soft poke which, to the younguns, felt like a billion devils of a trillion bullets to the face! Olivia stood to her feet and started kicking Maya in the face before she was stopped by a pleading Jesse and Axel.

"Whoa! Olivia! Calm down, okay?" Jesse pleaded while he and Axel struggled to hold her back.

"NO ONE CALLS ME CHOCOLATE BAR BUT NOTCH! AND EVEN _HE_ CAN'T DO THAT!" Olivia continued to ramble while fighting against her friends. "I'M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT AND SHOVE THEM INTO YOUR EARS, SO YOU'LL BE DEAF AND BLIND!" Olivia screamed furiously.

"I'd like to see your crazy friend try!" Gill shouted before walking up to Axel and kicking him between the legs. What a stupid thing to do. Axel doubled over, howling in E flat over high-C. Jesse couldn't hold Olivia back and the little rocket blasted at Maya. Maya screamed in fear as Olivia started picking at her eyelids. Maya bit Olivia on the leg, causing the other girl to fall over and clutch her knee. Everyone except for Gill and Jesse was crying. The two boys exchanged glances before a young Lukas walked up to them with a smile on his face.

"Hey guys! In art class we-"

"Well ain't that swell?" Jesse sneered, putting his hands on his hips. Lukas burst into tears and ran away to tell the principle.

LATER THAT DAY...

Everyone was in the cafeteria, except for Maya, Olivia and Axel. Maya and Olivia were in the nurse's office, while Axel was shipped off to the ER. Simply said, Gill had really strong legs. Lukas wouldn't stop crying. At all.

As they ate their impossible grey gruel, Jesse decided to try to spark up a conversation with a girl next to him. She wore a pink shirt, a black bandana and had blue hair.

"Uh... hi... I'm Jesse." Jesse greeted calmly and quietly.

"Hi! I'm Nohr! I'm from Boomtown! Blasting has defeaned me!" She shouted at Jesse with an unshakable smile and a deafeningly loud voice. "Hey! You wanna come to my house? We can blow up the cows!"

"... no thanks..."

"What?! I can't hear you! Speak up! I'm 75-percent deaf due to blasting of my parents at close-range! What's your name again?"

"I'm Jesse! I said 'No Thanks'!" Jesse repeated himself more loudly. Nohr choked on her food a bit.

"Jesse's the stupidest name I've ever heard! You need a better one. How about 'Gunnerdown'? It rhymes with 'Gun her down', Mason's last words before he blew my mom to smithereens. Left a huge hole in my dad's heart. Literally. Got a hole blown in his chest by other griefers." Nohr rambled nonstop before noticing that Jesse was gone. "Gunnerdown? Gunnerdown! Where'd yah go?"

Jesse continued to run to the bathroom before locking himself in one of the stalls. He sighed. He was safe now.

 _Oh, you're not safe, Jesse._

"Wh-what?! Who are you?!"

 _I'm your conscience, Jesse. And this is the teachers' lounge._

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jesse tried to run out of the room but ended up hitting his head on the way out. He was knocked unconscious for the rest of his life. Until ten minutes.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Okay, just some crazy story about the kids surviving preschool! They'll get better, I promise! Come back soon! Also, scratch what I said about the Order. I might just add them for heck's sake! It's a crackfic. I don't remember these kinds of stories aiming for sensibility.**


	2. IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hey, everyone! Got some sad news.

This story is going on hiatus until further notice.

Long story short, I got into FNaF (against my parents' will) and now I'm gonna be getting kicked off for a while. Who knows when I'll be getting back on...

Sorry for letting everyone down. Don't blame my parents, this one's on me.

So, keep following my fanfictions. They're not done. Just pretend it's another McAfee thing (lol). I'll upload, eventually. Until then, it's consequences and chores! But on the bright side, I haven't actually been given a consequence. There's a very low chance I'll still be able to upload fanfiction. But read, that's very small.

If you're wondering where "Puns Galore", "The Five Nights Gang" and "Amazing Adventure 5: Walmart People in Action!" went, there's your answer. While there won't be another of the first two, "Amazing Adventure 5" will get a redo (y'know, since I referred to Five Nights a few times). It'll still be based on my Walmart encounter, y'know, 'cause that's what it was about in the first place.

Thanks for all of your support! I'll see you in a little while. Please, try to hold out!


	3. I'M BACK!

Guys... I have some news.

 ** _I'M BACK! HECK YEA!_**

So, yeah, everyone! I'm back for some more stuff on FFN, and Internet in general! Just a short update, but a crucial one! This _does_ mean that I can't/won't make any more references to FNaF, and you've prolly noticed that I went back and edited some of my other fics, but... the past is now in the past! The only difference is there won't be anymore purple-people or telephones! So... yeah!

See yah soon!


	4. Nurse Olivia

**Author's Note:**

 **So... here's another of the Wonderful AU! This takes place a day after last chappie. You'll laugh, I swear! It gets really funny in a matter of paragraphs! Hit it, Crisper!**

 **Crisper: (hits it)**

* * *

Jesse walked to school like he did any other day before he was greeted by none other than Mr. Gill... wait, no... that's not it...

He was greeted by Nohr!

"Hi! I'm Nohr! Do you remember me?!" Before Jesse could answer, he found the young griefer wrapping a strong arm around the back of his neck, pulling him into a noogie. "'Course yah do! No one forgets me... until I hit them in the head..." She frowned a bit, staring off into space for a few seconds. Then the sound of children laughing and playing was heard behind them. "Hey! Let's go to the playground!" She grabbed him by the hand and dragged him off.

At the playground, the children ran wild and free with a few teachers glaring at them with jealousy. All those kids, getting a break from the conformity of the United Chunks. Oh well.

"Let's go on the seesaw!" Nohr yelled before dragging Jesse to the seesaw. She positioned him on one end, standing over the seat with his legs opened. She ran to the other seat, which was slightly suspended, before jumping on it, causing the other end to wham Jesse between the legs.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" He screamed.

"Aw, you were supposed to sit down!" Nohr scolded, grabbing him by the hand and dragging him away.

"Where are we going?" Jesse whimpered, his voice a few octaves higher than normal.

"We're gonna go see Nurse Olivia!" She said before running up to where Olivia sat, wrapping bandages around Axel's head and eyes.

"I don't wanna play doctors." The buff toddler whined as Olivia continued.

"But mommy says 'Ladies first'. Now, you have to take two of these _every day_." She commanded, handing him a few quarters. With a pat on the back, she pulled out an old lollipop from her back pocket. "Here you go!" She handed Axel his measley, dusty reward before sending the little boy off. Axel ran off before slamming headfirst into one of the playground poles, falling backwards without a word.

"Now, what brings you two here?" Olivia asked before.

"Gunnerdown got hit by a seesaw in his no-no zone. I wonder who's fault _that_ was." She looked away, digging her foot into the ground. Olivia had a shocked expression on her face.

"Axel! Come here, quick!" She yelled (imagine one of the Little Rascals saying that. now be humored). Axel stumbled to his feet, hugging his head.

"What?"

"We have to operate immediately! Oh! And did you take your medicine?" She asked, reaching for his hand and opening it. She saw the quarters. "Axel, I said you have to eat your medicine! It's good for you!" She said before cramming two quarters into his mouth. Axel reluctantly swallowed the money, the metal leaving a strange taste in his mouth. "Now, you're ready to operate!" Olivia grabbed some bandages and began wrapping them around Jesse's forehead. After a few seconds of this, she was finally done. Jesse's head was wrapped in a two-inch thick bundle of love. "Now you're healed." She reached into her back pocket before pulling out a small assortment of colorful beads. "Only take the green ones. Thrice a day!" She commanded him, putting the beads into his hand. "Alright, you." She said to Nohr. "It's time for your complimentary check-up." Axel forcibly sat Nohr down on the wood chips before Olivia walked towards a kid eating a popsicle.

The young one seemed to be enjoying the treat. Olivia wasn't even sure the other girl noticed her. Maybe it was just that delicious.

"Um, what's your name?" Olivia asked cautiously. The redheaded girl turned to face her.

"I'm Petra. What do you need?" She asked, smiling.

"Can I have your popsicle stick?"

"Why?"

"I need it for my patients." She replied before Petra sneezed all over Olivia, without even covering her mouth. Bits of colored popsicle-juice and mucus dotted Olivia's face.

"Sorry. I got sick today. You wanna trade?" Petra asked. Olivia nodded vigorously before pulling out some Redstone dust.

"It's my mom's favorite! It must be a kind of candy." She explained.

"Oooo!" Petra finished her popsicle and handed the stick to Olivia, instantly taking the dust and eating it. Olivia giddily rushed off, not noticing that Petra was choking and sneezing even more than before.

Olivia ran back to her station to find that all of her patients were gone!

"Hey! Where'd everyone go?!" She shouted, stuffing the slightly wet stick into her back pocket and running in a random direction.

POV Switch

Jesse felt around for a few seconds before his small fingers latched onto a tough-feeling arm.

"Axel, I can't see. Why can't I take off these band-aids?" He asked upsettedly.

"Doctor's orders." Axel replied, wishing that he too could be granted the gift of sight. Footsteps were heard and Jesse lifted his head in their direction.

"Jesse! Axel! Where'd by patient go?" Olivia asked.

"We don't know." Jesse replied.

"Uh, Olivia..." Axel said before making a weird gutteral-noise.

"Yeah, Axel?"

"Are you sure that medicine was okay?"

"I'm positive! Maybe you didn't take enough... here! Have some of Jesse's!" She grabbed the beads from Jesse, leaving him with the green ones of course. But before she could give them to Axel-

"BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!"

"Hahahaha!" Aiden yelled, pointing at Axel and laughing his head off. Maya frowned.

"Aiden, that's not funny. That's gross." She told him. Aiden immediately frowned.

"It is?... BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!" Maya screamed as Aiden suddenly puked onto her as well. Nohr, who was sitting on the swings, saw the vomiting, her eyes widening.

"Awesome!" She shouted, running up to Aiden. "That's so cool!" She shouted before Aiden started crying. Axel barely noticed Aiden crying.

"Hahahaha! Crybaby! Cry- BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!"

"What's going on?" Jesse asked, standing up and slipping in some puke. "Whoa! Olivia! What did I slip in? Can I _please_ take these band-aids off?"

"... I don't think you want to." Despite the warning, Jesse took off the band-aids, only seeing two sick-looking boys leaning over puddles of... something...

"What happened here?" He asked before looking intently at Axel's puddle. His eyes widened in surprise and fascination as two glinting things stood out to him. "Ooh! Quarters!" He grabbed the money and put them into his pocket before looking at Axel. "Axel, are you okay?" He asked, sitting right under Axel. Axel was about to answer, before his eyes widened and then he-

"BLEEEEEEECH!" Jesse had to shut his eyes, being bathed in vomit and only opening them after the puke-session was finished. No student nor Ocelot made fun of Jesse's predicament. For a few seconds, everyone just stared before the door swung open and Lukas rushed out.

"Guys! Guess what? In our art class _today_ , we-

"Oh, yah _did_?!" Jesse sneered, glaring at Lukas. Lukas stared for a few seconds before bursting into tears and running to tell the principal.

"Medic!" Petra shouted before running to the merry-go-round and sitting down to watch the fun.

"It's alright, everyone! I'm a medic!" Olivia ran up to Axel before shoving the popsicle stick into his mouth. "That's gonna check your temperture." (how cute, can't even say 'temperature' correctly) She rushed up to Aiden and knocked him onto his back. "Someone hold up his legs to help the blood get to his face! He's paaale!" Olivia demanded, Maya and Gill each grabbing a leg and hoisting it an inch off the ground. "Higher!" Olivia shouts. The two Ocelots exchanged glances before lifting Aiden's legs a bit more. "Higher!" They repeated. "As high as they can possibly get!" Olivia screamed, causing Maya and Gill to lift Aiden completely off the ground so that he was being held upside-down.

"I want my mommy!" Aiden cried. She ran back to Axel and pulled the popsicle stick out of his mouth.

"Oh my!" She shouted, examining the 'numbers'. "I need someone to help me with this!" Olivia shouted before Jesse and Nohr rushed up to them. Olivia pushed Axel onto his back as well. "Make sure that he doesn't do _anything_ , okay?" Olivia said before rushing to her backpack and pulling out some more bandages. "He needs baaaand-aaaiids!" She shouted before placing a few on his face. "How do you feel?" Olivia asked.

"My tummy hurts." Axel replied.

"Oh no!" Olivia shouted, slamming her hands on her cheeks. "I'm gonna go get the surgeon general!" She said before running to the open doors. "HAAAAAAA-" She slammed into the _closed_ glass doors, instantly rebounding backwards. "Haaaalpp!" She cried, bringing her hands to her swollen nose.

Nurse Ivor (I know that sounds creepy, but I'll explain later) opened the door to see... everything.

"WHAT THE HECK!"

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Episode 2! Sorry this has been kind of shunned. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this little episode. So, Ivor's occupation in the school is as the head nurse, y'know, what with being good with potions and medicine and all. The idea of the Old Order having schoolhouse occupations goes to dannybubble1. Thanks for reading! Close it, Crisper!**

 **Crisper: (closes it)**


	5. The Goodest Grammar Class!

**Author's Note:**

 **Hey! I'm really coming back wit this TWAU, aren't I? Well, I am! Enjoy! This episode takes place right after last one, with our very own Nurse Ivor! Also, you should imagine all members of the Old Order in their 20s or early 30s. Hit it, Crisper!**

 **Crisper: (hits it)**

* * *

"WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!" Ivor shouted, pulling his hair while Olivia writhed below him. He immediately knelt at her side, checking her extremely swollen face.

"I need... the surgeon general." Olivia moaned softly. Ivor looked up from her, seeing that everyone was screaming in fear. His shocked face instantly turned into one of determination and he ran back to the teachers' lounge.

In the lounge, Soren was on his phone standing near the cofee machine. Ivor rushed up to the stand, jerking the cofee-pot off the machine.

Ivor poured himself a cup of cofee before rushing to the fridge and grabbing a Monster. He quickly poured it into the cup of cofee and lifted it to his mouth. "What's up?" Soren asked, not looking upfrom his iBlock.

"I'm going to die." Ivor said, drinking the energetic concoction. After laughing insanely for a few seconds, he ran to his office and grabbed a first-aid kit. He whooshed out the building, random papers flying everywhere behind him in an upward stream!

He scooped Olivia into his arm and ran her to a table, wrapping her head with bandages and an ice-pack. He thrust her a lollipop and ran to where Gill and Maya were still holding Aiden upside down. Ivor took one look at him before turning him upright, inspecting his flushed face.

He grabbed Aiden in one arm before running over to Axel and slinging him onto his shoulder. "I'M A MEDIC!" Ivor yelled before exploding into Nyan Cat Rainbows. While "Nyan Cat" played somehow in the background, he fixed them up on superspeed! Axel, Aiden and Olivia were feeling better in seconds! Before Ivor could do anything else, he had a sugar-crash and collapsed to the floor!

Olivia, who was still sitting on the bench, looked down at Ivor with a dazed, concerned face. She pulled out a half-dollar coin, staring at it with a saddened, tired frown.

"I'd give him some of this medicine, but I'm way too tired. Plus, my head hurts." She said, taking it herself.

((Le timeskip))

The young boys and girls walked into the classroom before a tearstung Lukas followed them in. They all sat down in desks, but little Axel noticed another little girl who wouldn't stop staring him down.

"Uh, guys... that girl's been staring at me for a while now, and she's not even blinking." He whispered to Jesse and Olivia.

"Hmm..." Olivia said, pulling out a few Legos. "Time for some medicine then!" She said, walking up to the little girl in yellow. "Hi, there! What's your name?" She asked. The little girl stared at her for exactly five seconds.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" She screamed, disrupting the whole class with her high-pitched squeal. The girl them pummelled Olivia to the floor, staring into her eyes with anticipation. "Hiiii! I'm Ocelott!" She screamed before running back to her desk. "I'm a kitty-cat, but with reticulating slimy! Meet my mom!" Ocelott squealed before pulling out a picture of the sun. Olivia didn't have time to react before Ocelott whipped out another picture. "Meet my dad!" She shouted, showing her a Nyan Cat gif. "Meet my braaaiin!" Ocelott showed Olivia a picture of a command-block. "Meet my hand." Ocelott put her hand in Olivia's face.

Olivia stared at Ocelott for a few seconds.

"Could you slow down, please?" She asked before there was a loud rapping at the front desk.

"Class, please." The teacher groaned. Ocelott used /tp to teleport Olivia back to her seat while Ocelott sat down. "Now, today we begin on page 1." All of the students nodded, turning quickly to the requested page. "Are you on page 1, every1?" She asked, ignoring my awesome textplay. The entire class nodded. "Ha! Fooled you again! Page _one_ on day _two_?! You really _are_ going to flunk! Aaaaaaaahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!" She shouted, cackling darkly as lightning flashed behind her. Everyone was sad. The teacher rolled her eyes and continued her boring lecture.

"Now, today we are going to learn about the Order of the Stone." Gamerwhogames raised her hand. "Yes, Gamer?"

"Um... the Order of the Stone isn't real yet." She, er, I told her.

"Where the heck did you come from?!"

"Nowhere, actually. Just thought I'd drop by to straighten that out. Right now they hold around-the-school professions, like nurse, teacher, janitor, babysit-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've said enough."

"Stop sassing me!" I yelled before disappearing back into omniscience. The teacher was weirded out and decided to continue.

"Instead of the Order, we're going to be discussing the history of Modern Minecraft!" Groans all around. "When Notch decided to create Minecraft, well... they die." She said, pullling out a random block of TNT as a horse walked onstage.

"Um... haven't I seen this before?" Jesse asked Axel. Boom! The horse was exploded. Skydoesminecraft started crying and the girls went into hysterics. 'Cept me, of course. I'm the author. I'm not supposed to have emotions.

After the random act of animal-cruelty, the class went to their English class. We have dannybubble1 and Mr. E to thank for the following predicament.

"Hello, class." Magnus greeted as the toddlers filed in. "Yes, you are barely three, yet I will be teaching you advanced grammar. Welcome to FFN, everyone." The students sat down and prepared for the lesson. Olivia raised her hand. "Eh, yes, goggle-girl?"

"Um, what's your name?" She asked politely. Magnus groaned and grabbed a piece of chalk. After misspelling his name a few times, he finally got it down. M-A-G-N-U-S is no easy task, friends!

"My name is Magnus. I will be your grammar teacher for this semester. Uh..." He glanced at the clock. Only thirty minutes left. "Now I'll teach, uh... prepositions...?" He grabbed his iBlock and Googled prepositions. After deciding that it was too complex, he decided to switch to another study: articles. "Uh... how about articles? Um... articles are... books at a library, see?" He drew a sad excuse for a picture of a book, but nonetheless, the students marveled at the masterpiece called Scribble-Scrabble. "Um... repeat after me: Cat chase those dog down street the." He said, pointing to each word with a ruler. The class repeated after him, very glad to be doing such a good job on their first day. "Now, when you have two of one kind of object, it makes the word plural." He explained randomly. Aiden raised his hand. "Yes?"

"What's a plural?"

"I have no idea, kid. Eh, let's try it anyways. If I have one block of TNT, and I add another, what do I have?"

"Uh... two block of TNT?" Axel asked.

"That's right!" Magnus shouted, scaring Axel a bit. "Uh, listen to this story and point out the grammar errors. Uh, let's see..." He stared off into space for a few seconds, thinking up a story. "Two kid are walked down the streets. One them gets blowed to bit were the bombs, or the other gots explosion because with griefers." Olivia raised her hand again. "Did you spot any problems?"

"Um, yes. I..." Magnus unintentionally sent her a death glare, causing the little girl to shrink back into her seat. "Nevermind." She whimpered.

"Really? You're not gonna say anything?" He asked. Olivia shook her head before hiding in her desk. Ocelott raised her hand. "Yes?"

"Once when _I_ was riding my bicycle, I ran into the streets."

"... whatever." Lukas raised his hand.

"When I was in art-class today, we-"

"Wow. That's _amazing_."

"... WAAAAAAHH!" Lukas ran out of the room, headed straight for the principal's office. Magnus watched him leave.

"Class dismissed!" He shouts.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **Once again, thanks to dannybubble1 for suggesting that the Order should work around school, and thanks to Mr. E for suggesting their specific occupations. I mean, these are really good!**

 **Hehe. You know how we all have our favorite ships in Minecraft? Well, remember how you felt about the opposite sex when you were, say... Six years old? No attraction, none whatsoever. Well, get ready to go down memory lane with the ships! Cya! Close it, Crisper!**

 **Crisper: (closes it)**


End file.
